The Freedom of Living without Fear

Updated: Feb 19, 2021


I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if I submerged under water and I couldn’t catch my breath.


I remember the idea of never seeing my children again, and thinking of my husband remarrying...


I was 30 years old but my lungs were failing. I saw my doctor about four times over a span of two months and every time he directed me to a steroid pack.


The weirdest thing about steroids is they make you crave fried chicken. Specifically Popeyes. (This could just be my experience, but I’ve heard this from some of my friends as well.)


So I was on steroid pack after steroid pack to help my breathing, I also was gaining weight after losing all my baby weight the year prior.


I just didn’t feel like myself anymore.


It was April 2020 and the pandemic reached the United States. My doctor was concerned I became ill with COVID and my lungs had become damaged.


I didn’t know what was happening but I did know that I felt horrible. It was often hard to breathe and I constantly felt like I had the flu.


Six months & three ER visits later I met a pulmonary doctor, and an asthma specialist.


Thinking they were going to give me an allergy shot and a sticker, I was stunned to learn they believed I had a rare auto-immune disease called Churg-Strauss. Also known as EGPA.


What the heck..?


I visibly remember my doctor telling me that my lungs were testing at a 80 year old women’s level and I could possibly get very ill or die if I got COVID.


That is when my life changed. After a year of trying to figure what was happening to my body, I couldn’t comprehend it.


After receiving the diagnosis, I am slowly learning how to manage my new health, my new life. I am not going to lie, it began with fear.


Lots of fear.


What if...What if I die, What if I get COVID, what if I can’t work?


Now, my biggest question is what if I leave this earth without really living how I dreamed to live.


To live freely, faithfully & courageously.


My health has drastically changed, I miss the moments I could just put my headphones on and run out the door for a jog.


I miss the moments that a cough didn’t scare me into hiding at home for two days. And I am allowing myself to miss it, but I am not allowing myself to hide behind the fear.


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